She will be loved
Saturday, Mar. 08, 2003
12-5-96 (Japan)
12/5/96
I want to cry, laugh, scream, shout, anything to show some emotion, but I can't. I have no emotions left. I hate Liz and Sherri. I hate them so much! They make me miserable! Mainly Sherri. I lost my friendship w/Adrian b/c of that bitch and now I feel as if I'm losing my relationship w/Joe and Amanda because of her, too. I hate this. I want to be happy for once in my life, but every little facet of my miserable existence is pointing me otherwise. I don't want to have a negative attitude, but I don't see how I can help it. I want to go home, I really really do. At least I know that a few people care about me there, at least somewhat. They at least send me cards and pretend like they do. A few people pretend like they do here, too. But I'm miserable and there is no where to turn. A few hugs from Jen or Bora won't change that. I need something to change my life. Gee, this sounds familiar. Hmm, I think that I have been saying the same thing since junior high. Well, I've run out of options. I can't think of anything that I haven't tried and I always end up in the same fucking spot - MISERABLE! LOSER! PATHETIC! A JOKE! Yeah, it's the same at home, but at least there I can get out, I'm not a fucking rat in a cage. I can go into society and communicate. Goddamn, I just cannot stop thinking about how much those two piss me off. I was really feeling close to Joe and Amanda. I felt so good about myself when I was [with] them. But now Sherri has pushed her way in and I feel that they would rather be w/her than me. At least I think that's the case w/Joe. I know Amanda prefers me, but I think he would rather spend their time w/her. This sounds stupid and petty, but that is what my life has come to, stupidness and pettiness. I wish I didn't care, that I could go through life not letting others affect me so much. But it's really fucking hard to change who I am. But I suppose that's what I'm going to have to do. But if I have to change who I am to get what I want, happiness, than am I truly happy? Do I have to compromise myself? I wish I had some answers.
Watching/Hearing/Listening to: XTC - That Wave
Drinking: diet pepsi twist
Wearing: