She will be loved
Saturday, Feb. 22, 2003
3-20-97 (Japan)
This was written during the month I spent living in a youth hostel in Kyoto, after I spent six months studying in northern Japan. I was 21. Five of my classmates were also staying in this hostel.I wrote this one night when I spent hours in nearby coffee shop because they had a western toilet, something the hostel did not. If you're having stomach problems, the last thing that you want to do is spend long periods of time trying to balance yourself over a hole in the floor while trying to aim away from your pants around your ankles.
If you ever go to Asia, start practicing your balance now, you'll be doing a lot of squatting.
No paragraphs in original entry. It's hella long, I wish that I had as much to say now as I used to.
March 20, 1997 2:00 AM
Right now I'm feeling sick to my stomach. Tonight, I sat in the same room as Liz and Sherri for over two hours and it literally made me ill. It's to believe that they would have such an effect on me. Oh no, here comes the feeling again, gotta run...
I'm in Holiday House (Holyday House), the 24-hour coffee shop down the street w/a WESTERN TOILET. The people here probably think I'm crazy, I've gone to the bathroom twice in the past half hour. Oh well, I'm American, they think I'm crazy anyway. Tomorrow night, Jen and I are going to a bar w/Leon, a very good looking German guy who moved in today. And when a bunch of us were sitting in the living room, Leon asked Liz and Sherri if they wanted to come w/. Fortunately, they made up some shit about it being too expensive, but I knew that they didn't want to be w/us anymore than we wanted to be with them. But wait until I tell Jen tomorrow, she'll go crazy. I just couldn't believe it when he asked them. What a bad scene that would be. But I'm really looking forward to tomorrow night, Leon is a very attractive man and although I know I would never have a chance w/him, it would be fun just being in his company.
I really like this coffee house. All you have to do is buy something and you can be here for hours. No refills or anything, but it's relaxing AND it has the ever-important western toilet. At one table, there's a guy passed out, and they don't even care! But the rest of it is deliquent teenagers, a middle-aged man reading a newspaper, a couple on a date, and me. I think I'll stay awhile, at least until my stomach calms down. It's crazy, I just looked at the check and they added a 50 yen [written in kanji] surcharge for being here after midnight. At least I think that's what middonaitochyaaji [written in katakana] means, in my understanding of katakana that translates into midnight charge. I was going to order something else until I read that. Shit, even Denny's would never go as far as to charge their customers extra for being in after midnight, that's when they get all their customers! I mean, I could see charging extra for a western toilet (and I'd gladly pay it!), but not for coming in late. Oh well, I'll just think of it as a western toilet charge and then I won't be so irate. There, that's better. I think I'm crazy. No definate reason for this revelation, just an allover feeling.
I think I'll continue to use this little book as my journal the rest of the time that I'm in Japan, it's so cute! I feel a bit disloyal to my other journal, but this is much more convenient. Okay, I numbered the pages and I've decided that before I go home, I have to fill half this book, 48 pages. It shouldn't be too difficult. I still have 7 days, which includes a lot of wasted time at the airport and on the plane. Shit, I'll probably fill about 10 pages tonight. True, it's mainly babble, but I enjoy babble and once I get through the babble, there's usually something there, usually. My journal during my journal writing class was full of babble, and that's one of the most interesting journals I've ever kept. My last week in Japan should be just as interesting as my last quarter [I think I meant semester] in high school. I hope it will be, if not, I've become a pretty pathetic person.
It's hard to believe that my life is becoming more and more pathetic. I never would have dreamed it possible. I can't wait to see how exciting my future is. Oh well, I need to be positive. Your life is only as interesting as you make it. That sounds like something Jen would say, but it's true. I was thinking today that probably the reason that I didn't have such a good time at MSU-A is because I wanted to hate it. It's hard to admit that, even to myself. But I think it's true. Of course, the shitty academic condition and some of the people there had something to do w/it, plus my homesickness and culture shock (I prefer culture annoyance). But take Jen for example, she wanted to love it, and she does, although I'm sure she wouldn't be so in love w/it if she didn't have Kaz. God damn, it's about time that I found someone to care about that cares back (I suppose the word relationship covers that). I'm sure that in this mini-journal I'll talk about this a lot, it's all I write about in any journal. But shit, I'm now 21 years old and there are junior high school students w/more experience than me.
I sometimes pretend that Pete was my boyfriend, but that of course, is a lie. Computer relationships aren't real. The fact that I tried to have one even further exemplifies how pathetic my life has always been. Of course, I never tell anyone that this so-called ex-boyfriend was over a computer, that I never met him in person or even heard his voice. I'm going to hate seeing Troy when I go back to [dorm]. What he thinks of me doesn't matter as much as the reminder of how much I cared for him, how pathetic I was, what a waste of my heart he was, etc., etc. That's where the real pain will be, not in whether he still feels comfortable being my friend or not. Because as great as [a] person he is, or as great a person I thought he was, seeing him will always be a reminder of those things. One thing my friends didn't seem to understand is that he was never the reason for my misery, just an example of why it exists.
Why is it that I feel I will never be whole until I am in a relationship? This is especially strange when I think about how all the relationships around me are failed or have a really fucked up element. Just because my friends are in relationships, that doesn't mean that they're happy. I guess I feel that there are certain stages that everyone must pass and dating and all the aspects of it are one of them. All my friends started this stage in jr. high and high school and I feel that until I too am in this stage, I can never be on the same as them, I will always be inferior. That some part of them must constantly look down on me, and I in turn constantly look down on myself for the same reason. Shit, 21 years old and barely even been kissed. I hate writing about this stuff because I feel that someone else will read this and laugh at me, will know how truly sad and pathetic my life truly is, that I am even worse off than they thought. But I guess I shouldn't worry about all that and write my true feelings, delve deeper into my consciousness. Although I think I'm always fairly deep in my consciousness, whether I write about it or not.
Is my weight really the whole problem? The whole reason that I'm 21 years old and feeling like this? The whole reason that although I'm in Japan, this is all that I have to write about? In the living room tonight, we were watching the sumo highlights and I felt as if everyone was thinking that I could be a sumo wrestler. As they were saying how disgusting they look, that they were saying the same thing about me. Am I just as big as a sumo? I want to lose weight, I really do, how could anyone think that I enjoy being the size that I am? And I do try, but it's so hard and nothing ever seems to come from all the hard work and I just end up more disappointed in myself than I was before. It's all a vicious circle of self-hate, that's all my life really is.
But I do love myself, I think I'm an interesting and intelligent person. But sometimes the hate is stronger then the love. It's like that cliche, no one will ever love you if you can't love yourself, but I feel as if I can't truly love myself until someone loves me. Then I can finally be on an equal level w/my friends. Shit, if I ever do finally find someone who cares about me, what a mess that will be. That one day of insanity last year when I actually though Troy was interested in me is an example of this. It scared me so much that someone could actually be interested in me, that I could barely stand to be anywhere near him. Imagine if I was actually in a relationship, the poor guy. I even feel that if I was in a relationship, that the guy would constantly be thinking about how pathetic I was, what a loser I was because of my lack of experience, etc., etc. WILL I EVER BE HAPPY? WILL I EVER HAVE A GOOD SELF-IMAGE? WHY AM I LIKE THIS?
Maybe I should go back on those drugs, maybe they would make a difference this time. I need something. I'm not strong enough to change myself, every time I try, it's a failure. If the drugs make me happy, then maybe I'll have a better self-image. Maybe for once I will be on a good cycle. But the thing is, when I was on them, it didn't make me happy, it just made me lose my ability to be sad. Which sounds good, but it wasn't, it was just really strange. Although I wasn't happy, I could never cry, as much as I wanted to. Sometimes you need to cry, but I never could, it was wacky. Plus, I was always afraid of how it was interacting w/the pot I was smoking. I wasn't willing to give up pot (I'm still not, even though not smoking for 7 months hasn't been a problem, as long as I have access to it, I'm gonna wanna smoke it). Maybe I could find a doctor who could give me straight answers on the interactions. But it's almost 5, and I've written 16 pages, time to head back to Greenpeace.
Watching/Hearing/Listening to: radio - commercials
Drinking: diet pepsi twist
Wearing: