She will be loved
Tuesday, Feb. 18, 2003
wasting time
I have nothing to do for an hour or so. I have the dataset that I�m working on running through a program right now, but it will be awhile till it�s done. Normally, in times like these, I ask Kate if there�s something that I can help her with. But then she�ll give me a whole project to work on and suddenly that project is my responsibility. All I need is something to occupy me for a couple of hours, but she�ll give me like a week�s worth of work. No way am I making that mistake this time.I�m typing this in word, so it looks like I might actually be doing some work. We�re supposed to document all our tasks so that the people in Pennsylvania will know what do when they�re given our jobs. Like I care. But anyway, so hopefully that�s what it looks like I�m doing now.
So on Friday, Amy and I were sending emails back and forth talking about the Luka situation. I thought that I clicked send on all of them, but I guess I forgot to on one. So at the end of the day, Luka is standing behind me, waiting and watching while I shut everything down on my computer. I go to close out Lotus Notes and I get a message saying I have one unsent message, do I want to send, save, or just close it. Luka�s like, �Just close it.� I was like, �Nah, I can�t remember what it is, I should send it, but let me check it first.� So up on the screen pops this whole email all about him. Most people wouldn�t read someone else�s email when they�re standing behind them, but I know he checked it out, he always does. I try to act fast in clicking send, but of course it has to think for a moment. I don�t know how much he saw. Now I was using the name Luka instead of his real name, so he might not have noticed immediately it was about him. But if he actually read part of it, not only would he have known what I said, he would know that I talk to my friends about him, and that I go so far as to reinvent names. Here�s the email:
Ya know, I felt like those times that I went out after work were bonding experiences, too. But I guess only for me because those people that I went out with hardly talk to me now. Those are the people that hurt me the most because I felt like there was a connection when there obviously wasn't.
Yeah, George was generally a nice guy, but I had a lot of issues with him.
There are a lot of discussions that I've had with people that I haven't mentioned in my diary because I can't seem to get my jumbled thoughts in order. Sean thinks that Luka is using me and that this was always his plan. He thinks that Luka had some kind of diabolical plan to get me to do his work for him. I don't agree. For one thing, I don't do his work for him. I can see how it would appear that way, because we work together a lot, but he's the one that's doing all the work, I just watch him.
Ugh, see, I'm trying to explain this and I can't. It feels like it's really complicated, but in actuality it isn't. I don't know why I can't explain myself.
Sean thinks Luka is out to screw me over, that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend because it works to his advantage.
Fuck Amy, I can't explain myself. I'll have to try later.
I�m just being paranoid. He probably didn�t see very much or make the connection, but what if he did? His behavior toward me didn�t change after that. But if he already knows that I�m obsessed with him, why should it change, now he just has more evidence. But before he left, George told me that he didn�t think that Luka had any idea I was interested in him, that he�s too self-absorbed. Now that goes against all my prior paranoias on the topic. So I just don�t know.
Invented dramas make my life more interesting.
He�s not here today. He called me this morning to let me know and ask me about my birthday. Nothing seemed out of the ordinary. I guess I�ll never know what he thinks of me. But then, if I listen to George, he doesn�t think of me at all.
Watching/Hearing/Listening to: Sean talking to a statistician
Drinking: diet coke with water on deck
Wearing: