She will be loved
Monday, Feb. 17, 2003
27
27.I scanned old journals for entries written on my birthday, but there aren't any. I guess I'll have to actually write my thoughts down in this one. Birthdays suck. Not because I dread getting older, but because I'm so disappointed in where I am. 27 is old. Loveless, soon-to-be-jobless, faithless, I am empty inside. I'm not ready yet.
I apologize for not putting more effort into entries lately, I guess I'm trying to avoid thinking.
I started taking zoloft on Monday last week, the celexa just wasn't working. I know it takes awhile for antidepressants to kick in, but I wonder if you're transitioning from one to another, you'll feel the effects quicker.
I have been feeling more upbeat, at times. Friday was bad, though. Combo of Valentine's Day/birthday/usual Luka issues left me crying as soon as I said goodbye to him after work. Birthdays seem like a big deal to him, so I was hoping for a card or a small gift or something, just some little token thing. Yeah, I know, he's a guy and I'm just a coworker, but I couldn't help being disappointed. He sang Happy Birthday to me when we were leaving and waiting for the elevator. I said, "No! Don't make it come any sooner!" He said, "Yeah, but I won't see you on Monday so I gotta do it now." Nicer than most guys, but I doubt if I hadn't just mentioned my birthday that he would've even remembered it. And I swear I heard hesitation in his voice before singing, "dear [Shoop]..." Don't worry, dude, I won't get the wrong idea if you say dear.
This is where I admit how delusional I am. Our company gave us the choice of taking off either President's Day this month or Martin Luther King Day last month, everyone had to pick one or the other and let their manager know. Luka and I were discussing which day to take early last month. He said he wanted to wait to see what day Kate choose, and then take off the opposite so he could optimize his Kate-free days. I said, "I'm taking off President's, for sure, because that's my birthday and I would've taken it off anyway." He's like, "Oh that's so awesome. I'll take it off, too..." I swear he mumbled something about us hanging out. I was anticipating an eventual invite. I'm a sucker.
And another thing... He told me twice that he was going to hook me up with some really good stuff for my birthday. Ya know what I'm talking about. That didn't happen either.
Watching/Hearing/Listening to: Thompson Twins - Hold Me Now
Drinking: nothing
Wearing: