She will be loved
Sunday, Jan. 05, 2003
Thursday's events
(started at 3:27 AM, but finished at 5:54 AM, I'm a damn slow writer)My relationship with Luka is pretty fucked up right now. Yes, Luka is the name of the fucker I'm obsessed with. Like in the last entry, I'll probably go back and delete his name in a few days (1/8/03 the name has been replaced, Luka is not his real name). But for the moment, with Linkin Park blaring in my headphones, I feel like naming names. Fuck anonymity.
Thursday
Lunch with Luka and George, as usual. George starts talking about dating and asks Luka how long he's been with his girlfriend. Luka says 2 years. They tell me that she worked for our company until recently and because of this the relationship is hush hush. Why the hell does it matter who knows if she doesn't work there anymore? Why could this never have been said to me before? How come George seems to have known this for quite awhile, but I've intentionally been left in the dark?
I remained cool, acted nonchalant until we got back to work. Immediately after lunch, we had a team meeting. Throughout the meeting, it was hard to look in his direction and my eyes kept welling up, but no tears fell. The one time in the meeting that he spoke to me directly, I turned to look at him and I knew he could see the pain in my face. He seemed to avert his eyes. If he avoids eye contact, I know something is up with him because we always look each other in the eye when talking.
After the meeting, I spent two hours at my desk working on Access forms. Two hours staring at the computer, doing mindnumbing work. Two hours with my thoughts. Tears fall occasionally but I try to maintain my composure.
At the end of the day we always walk out together, so at five he asks me if I'm ready to go. I can't turn to face him, I just can't look in his eyes. So not turning away from my work, I tell him no, that I'm going to stay and finish what I was working on. He accepts that and leaves.
Of course, then the tears come streaming down. I'm a quiet crier, but it's obvious as soon as you look at my face. My skin gets red and splotchy and my eyes puff up, I look like a blubbering mess. There's no hiding it.
For some reason, I'm suddenly a popular person and several people stop by to talk. As soon as each one sees my face, they freak out and try to find out what's wrong. Since they all happen to be good friends with Luka, I always say that I can't talk about it but that I'll be okay. When I'm getting ready to go, I see George and I look at him and let him see my face. I don't know why I wanted him to see my pain, but I did. He doesn't react to it, it's almost like it's no surprise to him that I've been crying my eyes out.
I sob all the way home, not caring what the other commuters think of me. I sit in a semi-private corner of the train, but I'm still seen by some people. No one really reacts.
That night was pretty fucked up. The emotional pain was horrible. I'm able to distract myself with Jamie Kennedy Experiment for a little while. I just want to laugh and not think about him. In the middle of an episode, the picture snaps off and a "no signal" message appears. I call the cable company and there seems to be no problem with my signal on their end. So I'm told they'll send a repair guy out to look at it. Fabulous, all I want to do is lose myself in laughter and that's when my TV screws up. Cause that's just the way my life goes.
I spend the rest of the night crying in bed, except for the hour and a half spent crying on the phone to Kelly (She's at her family cottage right now).
The events that occured on Friday will be in my next entry.
Watching/Hearing/Listening to: Linkin Park/Hybrid Theory/One Step Closer & Crawling, on repeat, for 1+ hrs now
Drinking:
Wearing: