She will be loved
Saturday, Oct. 19, 2002
don't read this if you have a problem with fucking
My heart is breaking tonight.I knew my boy was unhappy at work. He feels very underappreciated and has some tense relationships with coworkers. We've talked a bit about these things and he told me he wanted to leave. I had no idea it would happen so fucking fast.
He had an interview today and says it went very well. Potentially he could be gone in two or three fucking weeks.
This hurts in so many ways, he meant so much to me. I can't specify what he meant to me professionally, I'm still paranoid about this being found at work, especially when I'm talking about someone else's secrets. Let's just say that, professionally, he meant a fuck of a lot to me. His friendship meant a fuck of a lot to me, too. He's the first guy I've been this close to since I was in Japan, six fucking years ago. I haven't felt this comfortable around a guy in so long and that meant more than I'm fucking able to explain. He's the only person at work that I consider a friend, that I can let my guard down with.
And then there's my fucking infatuation. I haven't been this sexually attracted to someone in so long, probably never. Thoughts of him have awakened things in me that I thought had died. I should have left them buried.
Another pointless obsession. Why do I even bother? Nothing good will ever happen to me.
"Somewhere out there..." NO ONE'S "...saying a prayer that someday we'll be together, in that deep somewhere out there."
Fuck.
And my upbeat entry earlier today? I wrote that before I knew about the interview for sure. I knew something suspicious was going on, I figured it was either a lunch date or an interview. It would have been better if he'd gone on a fucking date. But anyway, at that point I had no idea how much worse my day would get. I can't describe my feelings quite so succinctly now, other than fuck.
Watching/Hearing/Listening to: Billy Joel/Greatest Hits-REM/Green-Fastball/All the Pain Money Can Buy
Drinking:
Wearing: