She will be loved
2002-08-01
therapy
I had a shrink appointment tonight, it went decently. I like my shrink, she's very nice, but sometimes I feel like I'm wasting time going to her. She's not a psychiatrist, she's a licensed certified social worker, and I think I need something more than that. When people talk about seeing their therapist or shrink, is this person a social worker, or do you have to have more training to be considered a therapist? I've been told that psychiatrists only prescribe meds, they don't counsel. I get my antidepressants from my regular doctor, so there's no need for a psychiatrist. Well anyway, I guess it's all just semantics. I call her my shrink, whether she is officially one or not it doesn't matter. I'd rather say that I see a shrink than that I see a social worker, so that's what I say.Anyway, that's not my problem. My problem is that I've been seeing her for a year and a half now and I don't feel like we've gotten anything accomplished. I feel like we only talk about surface issues, never really getting in depth. Our conversations are focused on the present, never much about things in the past that have affected my present behavior. I guess that I can take some of the blame for that. When we try to talk about the past it's like there's a block in my head and I just end up saying "I don't know" a lot. But isn't that her job, to help me get past these blocks? I don't know.
My other issue is very superficial. She's a very pretty and thin woman and I can't relate to that. Most of my issues deal with my lack of self-esteem and confidence. Being fat, being unattractive, never feeling like I have a place in society, etc. I'm not saying that skinny people can't have confidence issues, but I just feel like she can't empathize with my problems. I feel like because I'm fat I'm being judged everywhere I go, by strangers, friends, family, everyone, and that's one of the reasons my self-esteem is so bad. I feel like I'll never be seen as anything more than a fat person. But that's so hard to talk about with someone who I feel can't relate to that. How can I talk about escaping judgement to someone who although she seems sympathetic, I'm sure is judging me just as much as everyone else? How can I talk about sexuality issues when I'm sure she's repulsed by that the thought of my being a sexual person? I should just get over it, but I can't.
Listening to: Roxy Music/Siren/Love is the Drug
Watching/Hearing/Listening to:
Drinking:
Wearing: