She will be loved
Saturday, Feb. 21, 2004
Progress Prompt 61 - weight vs. life goals
I'm going to start doing progress prompts. I've seen them in other diaries and I think it's a really cool idea![61.] Is your weight keeping you from reaching your goals in life? Do you think you're putting your life on hold because you want to lose weight first?
Yeah, in ways it is. It holds me back from being social and developing close, dare I say intimate, relationships. It definitely holds me back from being a social person. I think that once I feel more comfortable in my body, I will feel more comfortable in society. Once I lose more weight, I will be able to go to social events, or bars, or other efforts to meet people. I just can't do that now.
I'm so shy and painfully self-conscious, I'm not comfortable outside of my own little world. Weight is definitely a big part of that and my sexual issues, like my virginity and a lifetime void of intimacy, is another big part. And each of those plays a part in the other.
When I do do social things, which is almost never, I'm in pain because I feel like everyone is judging me. I don't get strangers commenting on my size or anything like that, but I can imagine what they are thinking, and it makes me want to hide.
I feel like my weight is a barrier to people, especially men, getting to know me. They don't make the effort, and I'm scared that if I make an effort I'll be rejected or laughed at.
So, if I say my goals are being social and dating, yes it holds me back. I don't know that it holds me back from my career goals. I think I'm successful in my job and I think I'm well-thought of by my coworkers. And I better be because they'd be nowhere without my help!
I do think it's a barrier for my career in the minds of others, though. My bosses want me to develop great relationships with clients, but it's limited to email and the phone. If someone is sent to meet one of these clients, it's not going to be me. I don't think they want me to represent the company. So instead they send someone (my manager) who has no relationship with that client until that meeting. But there isn't too much I can do about that, other than work on improving my appearance.
So yeah, I guess I am putting my life on hold until I lose weight, but I can't attribute it all to my weight. I just think that losing weight will help me overcome some of the other obstacles, in my mind and in the mind of others.
Watching/Hearing/Listening to: TLC - Clean Sweep - I love this show!
Drinking: water
Wearing: white tee, light gray exercise/pajama bottoms, white socks