She will be loved
Thursday, Oct. 24, 2002
it's not like it was a date or anything
I want to write an entry but I've been putting it off because I know that I won't be able to articulate my thoughts the way I want to. But I know that when I do that I'll never get around to it, no matter how well-intentioned I feel. So right now I'm just going to write stuff and not worry about telling a story or anything formal like complete sentences.He was so so sad on Tuesday, work stuff getting him down. I felt really bad for him. Wednesday, before work, I put a little rubber frog toy (really little, about fingernail size, colored red and green, cost me 10 cents) in front of his computer on a post-it saying "Have a good day!" When he thanked me, he had the sweetest smile on his face, he let me know how much he appreciated it, even though it was just a small gesture.
That made me feel so good to do something nice for him. But after that I got really depressed, I still felt terribly lonely, hence my last entry.
But then, not too long after the last entry, he stops by my cubicle and asks, "Hey dude (his favorite word), what are you doing for lunch?" Even though I obviously knew what he was getting at, I asked, "Nothing... What are you doing for lunch?" "Nothing, wanna go somewhere?" Me trying to act all nonchalant, "Yeah, sure, where are you thinking of?" Since it was raining, we decided to just go to a place in a department store across the street. I knew he was only asking me because the guy he usually goes out with was out sick, but that's okay, he still asked me. And could the timing have been any more perfect? Just when I was feeling so terribly lonely.
[okay this is getting too wordy now, sorry but if I try to make this into a story, I'll be up for hours editing my thoughts]
Talked mainly about work. He didn't know I had been so unhappy in my last job and that I had been a situation very similar to his. He said it was so nice to know that someone understood what he was going through. I'm a good listener, I know, but throughout the whole meal, all I could think was, "You're so adorable, let me comfort you, yes baby I understand, you've got sour cream on your lip, let me kiss it off, damn I want you, now, let's get under the table."
But somehow I made it through the meal. Even though I was shocked that I was actually sitting there with him, outside of work, I was actually able to talk to him for an hour without seeming like a total idiot, I hope.
Nothing super exciting has happened with him since then, but I do feel much closer to him. I think I'm definitely beyond coworker status into friend territory now. Gotta figure out how to get to the next step, if it's possible.
Watching/Hearing/Listening to: radio/incubus/are you in?
Drinking:
Wearing: