She will be loved
Sunday, Aug. 11, 2002
Steve
Tonight my sister and I made taco salad and watched Sex and the City and the Anna Nicole Show. This was the first time that I'd seen the Anna Nicole Show, it was decent. She seems to have a pretty flirtatious relationship with her assistant, that's interesting, and her lawyer is cute, too.I decided to tell my sister about my crush on Steve tonight. Steve is this guy from my last job that I had a little crush on. Well, first let me say that my sister and I worked for the same company, an economics firm. She works in human resources and helped me get the research job in the first place. She's been very unhappy there for a long time and can't wait to quit. In fact, she was more unhappy there than I, so it's funny that she's still there and I'm not. On my first day of work, she introduced me to Steve in the elevator. It might have been my imagination, but there seemed to be some chemistry between us right away. It seemed like he looked me up and down appreciatively. I'm not used to that, so I notice when it happens. Some guys do like fat chicks, I always try to keep that in mind. But guys who like fat chicks like big butts and boobs, I don't have either.
Steve was pretty cute, in a shy geeky way, which I like. Maybe a bit taller than me, spikey brown hair, blue eyes, skinny, preppy dresser, and glasses. Oh, glasses make the man! I am almost never attracted to a guy that doesn't wear glasses. I don't know what it is, but they make a guy about ten times sexier. So anyways, he was totally my type.
We worked on the same floor, but in different departments on different ends of the building. I hardly ever saw him, and of course when I did it was always the worst time, ain't it always that way? I could always count on running into Steve when I was carrying a big bag of fast food or after a run-in with an asshole economist. We were always very friendly with each other, always smiled, but it's hard to develop a rapport with a guy you only run into once a month in the elevator or hallway. When we did say more than "good morning," "hi," or "have a good night" to each other, it was only talk about the weather. I always felt like such a dork. I can never think of things to say to people! It's always awkward when two shy people try to talk to each other, somebody needs to be able to make the first move past small talk.
So I was interested in this guy for two years and that's all that I ever said to him. I'm a dork that way, and the knowledge that he's a dork, too, didn't make any difference. My sister had more contact with him due to her job, so I would always fish for info about him from her. But if she knew I liked him, she would have totally embarrassed me. Been there done that, all my life. So I had to be sly. I think most of the things he told her, that she then told me, would've turned most girls off. Like he had trouble meeting girls, he took anti-depressants, he had chronic insomnia, things like that. But I found it more endearing, and the more screwy he was, the more likely he'd be interested in me. The more desperate he'd be. Yeah, I know, my self-esteem is very very low. And honestly, I'm a very vulnerable person, so I'm attracted to people who are also vulnerable. It seems less likely that they'll hurt me.
So I decided tonight, what the hell, I don't work there anymore, what harm would come from telling my sister. She was very surprised. She wishes she'd known before, she would have put us in situations to talk to each other more. I don't know if she'll say anything to him. I almost hope that she does. I'll probably never see him again and I'm sure it would make him feel good to know that a girl was interested in him.
So anyway, now I feel this delicious air of anticipation. I love this feeling. I'm sure that nothing will come of it. I mean we're talking about me here, I've been alone all my life. I have no idea what intimacy feels like. Okay, I'm getting ahead of myself. Who said anything about intimacy, it's just a crush.
Watching/Hearing/Listening to: Lovin' Spoonful/Summer in the City/Daydream
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