She will be loved
Monday, Aug. 22, 2005
Problem solved
I knew it was going to happen. Aaron (our names rhyme, that should've been the first sign of doom) and I instant messaged on Friday night. He told me that he wasn't able to do anything that weekend, because of some family obligations. I asked if he wanted to go see the movie another night and he said no, that he didn't think we were a match and that he didn't want to waste his time or mine. Yeah right. I told him that I should go, logged off, and then uninstalled AIM.I was cordial, I didn't tell him to go to hell like I wish I had. Here are the responses I wish I had said.
**
A: I don't want to waste your time or mine.
I wish: Too late for that. You should've said that when we talked on Tuesday or sent me an email telling me this instead of waiting until the night before.
What I actually said: Yeah, I kinda had a feeling.
**
A: Actually, I really don't think we're a match.
Wish: Yeah, I know we didn't really click, but I thought maybe it was just your personality.
I didn't say anything.
**
A: Well, since we live in the same area maybe we'll see each other around sometime.
Wish: Not if I see you first.
Actually: Yeah maybe.
**
A: Have a good night.
Wish: Have a shitty one
Actually: You too.
**
Even though I didn't think we were match either, I was extremely upset. I couldn't stop crying. I got in my car and drove for a little while, wishing I had the nerve to drive into a lake or something else to end my pain. It really had nothing to do with him, it was the lost opportunity. I was so ready to get the "kiss" thing over with, to feel that I at least had as much intimate experience as the average 13 year-old.
I don't know what to say, I should be used to this by now. You can't change your fate and my fate is to die alone, untouched, with 25 cats.
The only upside of this is because I was so distraught and felt like I had nothing to lose, I decided to email the person I actually joined the service for, my neighbor.
I've had the hots for this guy for months. He lives in the apartment below mine and I've been keeping my eye on him. He seemed to spend as much time alone in his apartment as I did, so I felt this kind of loner connection with him. The only time we've said more than a couple of words to each other is when my toilet clogged, overflowed, flooded my bathroom, and it was so bad water was leaking into his bathroom. It was late, but he came upstairs to let me know and saw that I was freaking out about it, I told him I called maintenance and he went back to his apartment. He was very nice about it, though.
A couple of weeks ago I noticed that he began to have a social life. He left in the early evening on weeknights and came home a few hours later, so I figured he was dating. Sad, I decided to log on yahoo personals and see if maybe I could find someone of my own. For the hell of it, I searched for his characteristics (approximate age, height, and our zip code) and bam, there he was! I couldn't believe my luck, suddenly I felt like I knew everything about him.
I went to another personals site, tried the same thing, and found him again! For weeks I've been debating whether I should say something to him or not, but was afraid that I would come across as some psycho stalker. I thought about getting to know him, flirting, but not letting him know who I was until he asked to meet me, then I would run downstairs and knock on his door. But my therapist (who has listened to me babble about my obsession with this guy for months) talked me out of that, saying that he would definitely think I was psycho then and that if I wanted a relationship with this guy, it couldn't start with deceit.
Friday night, since I felt I had nothing to lose, I took the chance. I emailed him saying hey neighbor, told him my name (we'd never told each other our names, but I knew his because, well, I'm a stalker), and that I had one of the TV shows he said he liked in his personal on DVD, if he ever wanted to borrow it. Short and sweet, nothing but friendly, hey fancy seeing you here stuff.
He emailed back on Saturday, said it was nice to finally know my name and asked me about some things I mentioned in my personal. I wrote him back a really long email on Saturday night. I got an email back this morning, more questions, he asked me about my cats (he always sees them on my balcony) and about Japan, among other things. I haven't written him back yet, I don't want to seem too eager, but I will tonight.
That was one thing that bothered me about Aaron the ass, he never asked me about Japan (which I had mentioned in my personal). It's not as if I like to brag about the experience, but I think it's an experience that most people are interested in, that makes me unique. If nothing else, most people are curious. So if he wasn't already, he's now definitely won his way into my heart.
I don't know if there's a mutual attraction. I like to fantasize that there is, but I know that isn't very realistic. But if nothing else, we have enough in common to be good friends. I'd be happy with that.
If I can get my weight back on track, maybe I'll be a total hottie in a couple of months and he'll fall head over heels for me. Hey, a girl can dream, right?
It's not like I have any other options.
Watching/Hearing/Listening to: Law & Order SVU
Drinking: Pepsi Twist
Wearing: red & blue plaid boxers, white tee, white socks, blue suede shoes