She will be loved
Tuesday, Feb. 22, 2005
medications
I'm writing this at work. I'm a little nervous about posting it, I�ve heard a few Big Brother is watching us rumors lately. But when I plan on writing something at home, I just keep procrastinating until it gets too late and I have to go to bed. Maybe I should just write it here, email it home, and then post it tonight. Yeah, that's probably the best idea. Our IT staff just makes me nervous.I saw my psychiatrist on Friday. I've been taking Effexor XR, 225 mg, for the past month. I worked up to that dosage, but I still felt that it wasn't doing enough for me. I've been reading a book called Feeling Good: The New Mood Therapy, by David Burns. It's a book about using cognitive behavior therapy to change your negative thoughts around into positive ones. My therapist didn't recommend this book, but he does feel that I am too hard on myself (especially since the car accident) and it's something he wants me to work on. So anyway, in the beginning of the book there's a depression scale and my rating of depression was pretty high (this was while I was taking 225 mg). That surprised me a bit, because I knew I was definitely feeling better than I did while I was still on Zoloft, the anti-depressant I took before Effexor. But it helped to put things in perspective for me, my definition of feeling okay may mean major depression for someone "normal."
So back to my psych appointment. I went in there with the suggestion that maybe I should change my medication. I've heard lots of good things about Wellbutrin, that it helps with weight loss and makes you want to smoke less, in addition to the anti-depressant effects. Also my therapist suggested that it might be a better medication for me. When I suggested this to the psychiatrist, he said no, that he didn't think it would be the right drug for me. I have severe problems with anxiety, social and general, and Effexor is the best drug for that. I had to agree, my anxiety has gone way down since I've been on this medication, and that's certainly a benefit that I don't want to lose. But I feel like my weight is such a huge sticking point for me, that until I get to a weight that I feel comfortable with I'm going to continue to be a hermit and I'll never get out of the hole that I've dug myself into. I eat healthy, I exercise a hell of a lot, but I can't seem to get out the 215-220 lbs range (I've gone up and down since I reported the 215). So he upped my Effexor dosage to 300 mg and wrote me a prescription for a stimulant to aid in my weight loss.
Typical of doctors, I couldn't read his writing, so I had to wait until I got home from the pharmacy to see what this new medication was and then research it online. Turns out to be something called Adderall. I take 20 mg in the morning with my drug cocktail (see bottom) and then another 10 mg of the generic form at 5 PM. So I look it up online, turns out this is a medication for attention deficit disorder! ADHD! Well, I can certainly report that my concentration has increased: on Saturday (the first day of the medication) I played over 250 games of Freecell. I still got the things done I that I needed to: I cleaned the litter box, did a load of dishes, exercised, and watched my Saturday shows. I just kept returning to that damn game, constantly trying to get a winning streak and bring my percentage of games won up from 73%. Now playing Freecell is definitely a regular thing for me, and a major assistant to procrastination, but I don't think I've ever played that many games in one day, it's just not that interesting of a game! Wouldn't it be interesting if this drug ends up giving me OCD? Well actually, according to this test I�ve already got a tendency toward OCD. My job involves a lot of monotonous tasks, which I actually enjoy, but maybe this well make me enjoy them even more.
On the weight loss aspect, this is my fourth day taking it and I've lost 2.5 lbs. I almost passed out when I saw 212.5 this morning. That's freaking amazing. I read reports online of people losing really large amounts of weight. But I don't know, I'm going back and forth on whether the medication is a good thing or not. Yeah, something that helps me lose weight is great, but it feels like I'm cheating. Like I'm getting something without working for it. But then again, if eating healthy and exercising aren't working, I owe it to myself to explore other options. I've worked really hard the past year and it almost seems like it was for nothing. I mean I know I'm healthier because of it, that's a given, but I need to see the weight go down. I'm not going to suddenly say hey I�ve got this magic pill and now I can go back to eating whatever I want and never have to exercise again. I'm to the point where I enjoy eating well and I love to exercise, I've really made a lifestyle change. But now if I occasionally order orange chicken or eat a cheeseburger, I can do it without the guilt. And I'm not saying that weighing 160 will suddenly make my life perfect and be the answer to all my problems, but I think as I get closer to it I'll be able to determine where my real problems lie and that will help my therapy and make me emotionally healthier in the long run. On the other hand, this is obviously not something I can be on forever, what happens when I stop taking it? I read one review of it where a woman stopped and gained over 20 pounds in two weeks (actually, I think she said one week). That's pretty damn scary. Will it put me in a cycle of yoyo dieting? And how will it interact with my other medications? I guess that remains to be seen. I have faith in my psychiatrist that he's well informed and wouldn't prescribe something harmful, he knows all the medications I'm taking, I even brought in every bottle. He's an MD who's been in practice for a long time and is highly regarded. I have read in different places that this drug should not be prescribed for weight loss, but then I've also read that it's fine. That's the problem with the internet, there's just too many resources and they'll all say something different, how do you know who to trust? I also read that diabetics shouldn't take the drug, but I'm under the impression that this really applies to diabetics whose diabetes isn't under control, and that's not me. As long as I exercise, my blood sugar stays at the level of someone who doesn't have the disease. And the more weight I lose, the better off I'll be in terms of diabetes complications in the long run. But then again, if my weight yoyos back and forth, the complications could be worse.
I see my therapist tomorrow night and I'll discuss all these issues with him, I'll see what he thinks. I'm weighing all the pros and cons, and I'm leading toward staying with the drug and seeing how it all pans out. It's not as if I'm taking some over the counter supplement promising rapid weight loss, it's prescribed by a knowledgeable MD. And I'm closely monitored by several professionals: I see my regular doctor every couple of months (my next appointment is in April, I'm tempted to schedule an appointment now to get a second opinion � actually the more I think about it, that's probably a good idea, I think I will do that), I see the psychiatrist monthly, and I see my therapist weekly (usually, but lately it's been every two weeks, which I'm confused about and plan on bringing up tomorrow night).
So I guess that�s what I'll do. I'll keep taking the medication and get the opinion of my other doctors. If they don't think it�s a good idea, I'll stop. If they give it the okay, or at least feel that it won�t be harmful, I'll keep taking it. Is it harmful like Phenfen was, or is it an alternative to currently acceptable medications like Meridia?
I sure would love to see myself under 200. My goal of 160 seems too intangible at the moment, I can't even imagine it, but 200, that could be just a matter of like a month on this medication. Wow, I would feel so good about myself, I haven�t seen that weight in 15 years. And the looks from my friends and family the next time I go to Chicago, I think my mom would cry. I haven't decided whether to tell them or not (I'll probably end up telling them, though, I'm not very good at keeping things from my mom and sister), I would love to see them totally surprised by the new me.
Damn, this is long, I guess I should write at work more often.
My drugs (AKA Man, am I fucked up or what?)
Breakfast:
- effexor (4 pills until I finish my last prescription of 75 mg pills, then 2 pills once I get to the new bottle of 150 mg pills)
- a multivitamin
- an over the counter stress supplement (made by Oil of Olay, it's supposed to be more for the effects of stress on your skin than it is to actually reduce stress)
- 2 fish oil supplements (because I hate fish unless it's tuna or deep fried � but the fat in fish is supposed to be especially good for you, so this is the only way I can get it)
- 20 mg adderall
Dinner:
- 10 mg generic adderall
Midnight snack:
- 2 pills Metformin (generic glucophage � diabetes medication which also helps regulate my menstrual cycle)
- 1 pill Diazapam (sleeping pill prescribed by my psych because he says Effexor funks up your sleeping pattern � although I stopped taking it for over a month and slept fine, I went back on it after the car accident because I knew that the guilt would keep me up all night)
Watching/Hearing/Listening to:
Drinking:
Wearing: