She will be loved
Sunday, Nov. 21, 2004
whatever
I've been lazy, no surprise there. I just can't keep up in here. I'm not giving up. I need this place to help hold myself accountable.I've been really depressed for the past two weeks. I've been thinking about suicide a lot. I just see no hope for the future. I'm just living day to day. Day to day in a world of nothingness. I just can't see this going on and on. My therapist thinks it's just the change of medication. That the effexor will kick in soon and I'll feel okay again. But what's the point of it all?
I don't write about my depression much. It's too hard to put my pain in words. I don't feel sorry for myself, I don't think that's it. I just feel no hope. No hope for love. No hope for intimacy. I will be alone forever. If I do go on, I'll just end up a crazy old spinster with a bunch of cats.
My cats are the only thing that keep me going, the only light in my life. They're the only thing to keep me from killing myself. I'm pathetic.
I can't lose weight. I eat healthy, though I'm not following any specific diet. Just trying to apply what I've learned through all the different books and plans. I exercise 6 days a week. But it makes no difference. My arms and legs are solid, but my stomach won't budge. Why bother? I should just eat junk food all the time, at least I'd have some more pleasure in my life.
I'm so sick of being alone. I try to be kind and good, but it gets me nowhere. My only social interaction is at work, but the people that hate me there make it miserable and hold me back from interacting with others.
I just can't take it anymore. I hate being pathetic and miserable. I'm a failure at everything.
So this is why I haven't been writing. Addressing my pain is too painful. And what am I supposed to say? Oh, I weighed myself today and the scale just goes higher. That only makes me more depressed. Or, oh, I exercised today, just like every other day. Well whoopity fuckin do, it doesn't make any difference. My body isn't changing. Even more depressing.
My life just really sucks. Fine, I guess I'm feeling sorry for myself. I'm just sick of being me. Yeah, there are ways I'm better off than some other people, I'm grateful for some things in my life. But it isn't enough. I want to be anyone else.
Watching/Hearing/Listening to: dateline or something
Drinking: twist
Wearing: smelly clothes that I've been wearing all weekend