She will be loved
Thursday, Jul. 08, 2004
just crappy
Depression has really gotten the better of me for the past week and half. What am I depressed about? What am I not depressed about?The job situation is the biggest problem. Since March the raise and promotion have been going to happen "soon," just be patient. So at the beginning of June I asked my boss if he could give me some idea of when it was going to happen, because I am having serious financial issues. "Oh, I'm expecting it to happen by the end of this month," he said. Great!
So, as last week was the end of June, I went into his office to ask him about it. "It's just a matter of time," he said. He said HR was ironing out the details. Whatever.
Yesterday, I asked my manager if she could talk to the boss and find out anything, because I didn't think I would be able to take his bullshit answer calmly. So later she came back and told me that I needed to be patient. It was in its final stage of approval, it just needed to be okayed by upper management. She said it could be a few days or it could be a few weeks, there was no way to be sure. I said, "yeah right, or it could be a few months." "No no," she assured me, "it's really close." Gee, thanks.
Everyday I come into work anxious and leave pissed, just like I have been for months. I'll just have to keep it up. Patience is a virtue. I stopped being virtuous about 3 months ago.
I'm pissed that I gave up my life as I knew it to move across the country for this job. Thinking it was going to do wonderful things for my career, meanwhile it's more than a year later and I'm in exactly the same place. Well, my career is in the same place, everything else is in shambles. I've lost one friendship, others are hanging by a string, I've further isolated myself from society (I didn't think that was possible!), I've missed opportunities, and I'm an emotional mess. For what? To be told that I just need to be patient? Fuck you.
I gained 4 pounds in the past week, despite eating well and exercising as usual. Is stress the cause? I sure hope so. I reevaluating a lot of my choices right now.
Watching/Hearing/Listening to: Conan - Christina Applegate
Drinking: water and eating a small amount of Go Lean with milk
Wearing: dark gray exercise pants, maroon bra, white socks