She will be loved
Monday, Mar. 29, 2004
I want a do-over.
I'm so frustrated with work right now.Last night, I was reading another diary where the writer (she knows who she is) was complaining about her job woes and that got me thinking about mine. My boss told me at the end of last year that I would be promoted in April, at the time of our reviews. So I've been counting on that, the only thing up in the air was the money aspect.
So I really got to thinking about it last night, the money and all. I really need more money, the cost of living is just too high here. My goal with the promotion was to get around $5K more, but I didn't know how realistic that was.
So my plan was to go into my boss's office today and politely ask him what I should expect, money-wise. If he low-balled me, I was prepared with a hard luck story. I wasn't going to be demanding and I wasn't going to threaten to quit. It's extremely hard for me to draw the line between assertive and aggressive, so I normally don't try to be assertive for fear of seeming aggressive. But I was willing to try this time.
So I go to his office, just as he's about to walk out. When I tell him why I'm there, he says well he's just about to go to a meeting with his boss and someone in human resources to discuss reviews, merit increases, and promotions. He says he'll talk to me when he gets out of the meeting.
He never contacts me after the meeting, so I hunt him down at the end of the day. He says the promotions (it was me and 2 other people) weren't okayed and he doesn't know when they will be. He can't confirm anything, it could be months.
There was more to it than that, he wasn't a jerk or anything, but I'm just pissed. He allowed me to think this was a sure thing. I mean, the promotion was supposed to go into effect on April 1, in three fucking days. If I hadn't approached him, would he have even let me know that it wasn't going to happen? I doubt it. And I know he didn't say anything in the meeting, he's not going to fight for his employees. He's proved this time and time again.
And he pretends to be all concerned, "are you hurting for money?" "Can you make it from month to month?" Not without going into debt I can't. But of course I'm too much of a people pleaser, "well I'm struggling, but I'm okay." I mention something about debt, but I should've gone into more detail. How I've never been this desperate for money before, that I've never felt so out of control of my finances. But I didn't, I'm too much of a pussy.
But what would've been the point, if I had gone into my hard luck story, would he have been able to do anything? Well yeah, he COULD'VE done something, but WOULD he have? No.
And I wanted the promotion, not just the money, I wanted the fucking title! I deserve it! He kept saying he valued me so much, he didn't want this to be a reflection on my performance. Yeah, whatever.
I guess I should be happy to know the promotion is still coming, I just have to be patient. It's not like I found out I'm not going to get it or something.
I'm just so sick of my life. I can never count on anything.
I really needed to blow off some steam when I got home. For the first time in months, I was really aching for some pot. I needed some escape, anything to get my mind off how much I hated my life. If alcohol was around, I would've gotten plastered. The only escape was food. I had half a pint of Ben & Jerry's chocolate Carb Karma ice cream. It's not SBD friendly, too much cream and fat, but as far as ice cream goes, it wasn't too far to the ground from the wagon. (And it was so good! I ate it slowly. At least I was able to give myself some pleasure today.)
And now I feel bad for breaking the diet, after being so good for so long. As if I wasn't feeling bad enough. But I think I reached my stress breaking point. I guess it could've been worse.
But still, I suck. I hate my fucking life. I want a do-over. Can I go back to 8th grade and live everything over?
Watching/Hearing/Listening to: nbc news
Drinking: water
Wearing: brown exercise pants, white bra, white socks