She will be loved
Thursday, Sept. 01, 2005
cigarettes
So I've been asked about smoking and Kent's reaction to it.First, let me say that it has been almost 24 hours since my last cigarette and I feel great. Instead of focusing on feelings of deprivation, I've been focusing on how good it feels to have quit. I'll be able to say I did it.
Now's the time you all will shake your head in wonder at my foolishness. I chose quitting by the end of August because it is my one year anniversary of smoking. Yes, that's right, I started smoking at age 28 because I thought it made me look cool.
I'm experiencing delayed adolescence big time.
I started out intending to only try it out for a year, and that's what I'm ending up doing, although when I started I had no idea how addicted I'd become. I was up to a pack a day, which I think is an awful lot for only having been smoking for one year.
I grew up surrounded by smokers, most of my friends and family smoked and it disgusted me my whole life. I'd grown used to it, though, I'd learned to accept smokers, I just never planned on doing it myself. Most of my friends started 15 or 16 years ago but I'd never given in. But as soon as I got away from that environment, I start doing it myself, crazy? My body must've missed the second-hand smoke or something.
Kent -
I've always been self-conscious of my smoking in front of Kent, but that was the only way I could ever see him, was if I was sitting out smoking on my balcony. I only saw him at most once or twice a week, it wasn't as if I was there smoking every time he walked in. So he knew I smoked, but no idea how much. On the personal site, for smoking habits I put "occasionally" (because I find that a very subjective answer, 'occassionally' will mean something different to everyone, open to interpretation, ya know what I'm sayin'?) instead of 'daily.' In his profile it said that he was interested in someone who didn't smoke or only smoked occasionally.
I told him my smoking history on our car ride and that I was quitting on August 31st. He asked how much I smoked a day, I acted shameful and said 5 (when I told my sister this she laughed and said, "5? Yeah, 5 four times a day!"). He said that wasn't too bad.
I'm running out of scenerios to use to remain optimistic about this situation. Now I'm hoping maybe the cigarettes really did bother him and he was waiting to see if I quit before he pursued anything with me. That's pretty far-fetched though.
I don't know.
Watching/Hearing/Listening to: comedy central pamela anderson roast
Drinking: water with 4c totally light tea 2 go
Wearing: baby blue tank, dark green shorts, white socks, gym shoes