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...if you leave a nice comment
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Sarah I get what you mean, and was in a sort of similar situation a few years ago. Not exactly the same, I had been with people but not for over 5 years, and he was a friend @ school who had never done *anything*, and we were both lonely and he was nice...but after a bit I just started feeling gross and horrible andwould have to smoke a shit ton of w33d before I'd go see him because I really wasn't attracted to him and even though we went into it saying that if any feelings startd, we would talk about it, he got feelings and it ended really badly. I just think when you have 2 people (especially as emotionally & physically needy as you describe yourself as and what it seems like he is), odds are really, really good that feelings will develop by at least 1 party. but, that said, if you don't mind potentially breaking a heart or being heartbroken, I say go for it. And those aren't necessarily bad things, you just gotta think about if you would be able to handle it. But it's hard to get around not being attracted to someone, maybe even more-so if its cuddling etc compared to sex. Making out is super fun though, and I hope that however this plays out you do get to enjoy it, and it's the best when it's someone you really, genuinely like and have an attraction with. OK i'm done, hope this helps? :) [2005-10-07 00:36:47] Whether or not these letters are good depends a lot on what you're hoping to accomplish with them. I can figure out what you hope to accomplish with Matt, but not so much with Kent. Is it to help you stop obsessing about him so much? Or is this a way to feed your obsession? Is it to give him another chance at being friends with you? I know you like him and want to be friends, but he makes a lousy friend. If it's to let him know he's a big, hurtful jerk (for his own benefit, of course), then I agree with Slush, it's not nearly harsh enough. Also, I think everything Slush said about getting physically involved with someone you see no future is right. It's emotionally dangerous (It's dangerous even if you do see a future with them). Also, don't forget that he liked you all along, and still does. How could he get involved with you and NOT develop feelings? If you're not the least bit attracted to him, that sounds more like self-torture rather than enjoyment. If you're grossed out by the fact that he spits when he talks, I don't think being closer to the spit is going to make you any happier. Maybe in time you'll actually start being attracted to him. But, I think if you start being attracted, then you're on the road to having feelings. Lastly, look at this from a self-esteem point of view. In the future, how are you going to feel about yourself looking back on your first experiences knowing that you lowered your standards to such an extent just to get the experience? [2005-10-07 09:08:46] By the way, I don't think lack of experience is the albatross you think it is. If someone is going to put you down or reject you because you lack experience, then they would have found other ways to put you down or reject you in the future, anyway. They're not worth your time. You're clearly meeting lots of guys on match.com. Try and get over the last man on Earth mentality. Matt won't be the last person to show interest in you, so there's no need to invest so much into him. I'd hate to see you lower your standards for him, when in a month, few months, a year, you could meet the right person. When you consider the amount of time it may take you to find him within the context of your entire life, it's no time at all. Twenty-nine years isn't even that long. [2005-10-07 09:35:51] I think the friends with benefits thing is a very bad idea. It's too dangerous, for one thing. Even if YOU don't want to go further than just kissing, you don't know how he's going to behave... he might pressure you to go further, or FORCE you to go further. Speaking as someone who has been in your shoes not too long ago, I think I would have totally regretted allowing my first time to be something so meaningless. I do understand where you're coming from... it would be nice to get some practice under your belt before you find someone you really want to be with (and save yourself the awkwardness of inexperience)... but it's just not worth it. When you find the right person, they aren't going to care that you're inexperienced. They may find it a little odd at first, but in the end they might even find it a little "cool". Just wait. Please. [2005-10-07 11:49:50] I did the friends with benefits route and throughly enjoyed it, as did he (I wasn't remotely attracted to him but the sex was good). No feelings were developed and we didn't get hurt. We moved on and are still friends. I never regretted it, till a few years later when I met Ben. I wished then that he'd been my only, but, honestly, I wished that even after having a very fulfilling loving relationship with someone else as well. No matter what I did, I love Ben so much I, that at times I wish he'd been my only. But, at the same time I'm not regretful of the fun time I had with my friend or the loving relationship I had with Rich. Both helped to get me to the point I'm at now. You do what you want girl. I know what its like to also reach out to someone thinking they are my only shot, even when I didn't really like them or was not attracting to them (borderline repulsed really) that's the rough stuff, thats the stuff guilt and regret and self loathing is built from. Don't give yourself up to that, if you honestly want it for the experience or because you think you may enjoy it, do it. If you want to do it because you think he's the only guy you'll have a chance with, don't. Did any of that make sense? I'm sick and have a toddler grabbing at me. Sorry! [2005-10-07 13:36:35] I agree with Slush about the letter to Kent. He was an ass and you should make it more harsh and leave out the last paragraph. With the letter to Matt, I don't really know. I've never had a relationship that was purely friends with benefits, so I wouldn't really know. There are pros and cons to the situation. You guys could experiment with each other and learn things and it would benefit you, but someone could also get hurt. What I come to find out is most of the time one person develops feelings. I think it is more likely to happen in your situation when there is no experience and emotions are likely to get into the way. But if you both go into it with the same intentions and don't think something like that can happen then it could be a good idea. Just make sure he isn't hoping that you'll change your mind once you guys start doing things. He might hope that once you get to know him better and start to do things with him that things will develop. I hope I helped and didn't make you even more confused on what to do! Just go with what feels right to you. [2005-10-07 14:55:23] add your comment: |