She will be loved
Saturday, Oct. 15, 2005
tonight's the night
It's been quite a week. Between our increasingly sexual talks (we've talked a lot about trust and vulnerability, too) and my marathon masturbation, I haven't had a free moment!So tonight's the night:
- two painfully inexperienced virgins
- dimly lit apartment
- lots of rum and diet pepsi (for me)
- the agreement to immediately go to my closet and makeout to get it over with
- American Beauty
- him brushing my hair
- lots of kissing and cuddling
- a blindfold - he's been fantasizing about me wearing one - I'm happy to oblige, I'll wear it all night if I can
- talking throughout, telling each other what feels good, instructing and guiding each other - a learning experience
- my total control of how far things go (despite the masturbation and constant horniness, I don't want it to go too far - oral at the most ;) )
- he doesn't care if it's only kissing and cuddling, the closeness is the most important thing to him
- but he'll go all the way, if I want
- him spending the night (just cuddling and sleeping), he asked if he could hold me while I slept
- he knows this is only friendship, fulfilling a mutual need, and promises to tell me if he can't keep it platonic
My head is about to explode. He'll be here at 8, three and a half hours. My apartment is a pigsty. I've decided not to care. Instead of cleaning and stressing, I'm going to leave it pretty messy. Clean couch, closet, bed, and litter box, and anything totally gross hidden or thrown away, screw the rest. He needs to see the real me. I warned him, he told me to save my energy for tonight.
Will I be able to face him in the daylight? Will the experience and the talks we've had so far bring enough of a connection that I'll be able to see past his fugliness? If we connect physically and with intensity, will that surpass all of his unattractiveness?
I promise to post the sex site info next time! It's honestly been educational. Yeah, I watch porn for the educational aspects. No other reasons, of course.
Last night, before we ended our conversation, we told each other our oral sex fantasies, how he wanted me to do it to him and how I wanted him to do it to me. I was dying. Neither of us are prudes, that's for sure.
Both of our therapists give this relationship their full approval.
Watching/Hearing/Listening to: mtv hits
Drinking: nothing
Wearing: purple mesh shorts, dead milkmen tee, white socks, blue suede shoes