She will be loved
Saturday, Oct. 08, 2005
hesitation isn't a bad thing
The movie was kind of a letdown. But one great thing came out of going to it, I broke my jinx with the movie. The first time I planned to see it, my expected second date with Aaron, asshat cancelled the night before. The second time, I got lost in the ghetto on my way to see it and ended up turning straight into a telephone pole.Considering it was raining tonight, I worried I was tempting my fate by embarking on my journey, but I had blood in my veins tonight and risked the perils that lay ahead.
Obviously I'm home safely.
Still no word from Matt. I like the hesitation. I just hope he'll come to see it my way. He'll see we're not right for each other. He's conservative, I'm a firm democrat and never even met a republican my age until I went away to a farm college. There are only about 5 foods he'll eat, nothing healthy, I try to eat as healthy as possible (present WW cake binging aside). We went to a mexican restaurant and I was so thrilled to finally find the first good mexican restaurant in the two plus years I've been here (mexican food has been my favorite all my life, then chinese, the japanese -- I couldn't have fun with someone who won't venture out of a strict palate), and get this...
He had plain tacos with beef and cheese (no vegetables) and a double side of french fries because he wouldn't eat either the rice or the beans. We could never eat together, unless the place served meatloaf or pizza, because those are the only foods we both like (he only likes 5 things!).
We couldn't do any of the few things that I'd enjoy doing socially because he cigarette smoke bothers his athsma and he doesn't drink. I enjoy drinking occasionally, I only do it once every couple of months, but I enjoy alcohol as a social lubricant, when needed. And I, currently, smoke cigarettes, and I'm, sporadically, a pothead.
He doesn't exercise at all, and I'm obsessed with it. I thrive on pop culture, he watches the history channel. He prefers female singers, I prefer male singers.
What the fuck do we have in common other than the human need for touch and intimacy? I've had very few chances in the past 15 years or so to experience anything intimate, and I regret passing them up with all my heart. Who knows, the next guy to email me may be the love of my life. But I can't count on that, it could be quite awhile before I find someone that I would be able to allow to touch my body (the stomach and thigh areas are hideous, my body has been so much larger (about 80 lbs heavier, at my highest) almost my entire life, my skin just can't adjust. It's possible to tone some of it and I'll do my best, but it will be quite difficult to find someone I'll let touch that area, for fear of rejection).
Honestly, he'll see that I'm too complex a ball of conflicting, oxymoronic behaviors (and I mean my behaviors conflict with my other behaviors, I'm not talking about his -- you just can't pigeonhole me into any one stereotype) that he should steer of getting involved with me.
It just seems like a perfect arrangement, if only he'll see that.
Watching/Hearing/Listening to: nothing
Drinking: nothing
Wearing: pink pajama shorts, red tee, white socks, blue suede shoes