She will be loved
Friday, Oct. 07, 2005
more about the letters/emails
Thanks for all the advice guys. You all rock! (please keep it up, I need it!)(I'm taking a "mental health" day today, my boss knows it - but he isn't returning any of my phone calls, which is pissing me off - but that's besides the point)
I agree with almost everything that was said about Kent. I have mixed reactions to the Matt stuff, but I'll talk about Kent first.
My therapist suggested sending him an email so that I can get some closure on the situation. I know this is small in comparison to all the troubles going on in the world and country, but I can't stop thinking about him and obsessing about it. I compare every guy I meet online (well, I've only met Aaron and Matt, but still) to him. It's so damn hard with him beneath me. I see him very rarely, maybe once every 2-3 weeks, because we have different work schedules, and he's friendly when he sees me. Unfortunately, there's never been a time when we could talk, because I'm always doing something - I've been with Amy, or my sister, or talking on my cell phone every time.
I wrote that letter the other day. I jotted it down in my work journal (I believe keeping a journal at work is the key to my professional success, BTW), just to get it off my mind after talking to my therapist.
I have no intent of sending that one, let me make that perfectly clear - it was just written to vent my feelings, but then last night my therapist said it sounded good (although I always have to read things aloud to him - so I'm sure it sounded different spoken than it does when read - that's why I want you guys to see them, because you're seeing them the way they will be seen). I'm going to tone it down a lot when I rewrite it. But I definitely need to write him something, make one final effort at communication and to see if he truly is an asshole, and then I think I can move on.
Anyway, below is what I wrote in my work journal (to be removed, though - I don't want my coworkers to see it when I'm searching for a query formula or a client phone number). Also, I've always done my hand journaling without paragraphs, sorry if it makes it harder to read. I do find it odd that I've always written as if I'm writing to an audience, in every journal I've had since 1983. The only real difference between how I write in diaryland and how I write off-line is the paragraph thing. But I also think thoughts flow easier without thinking about format. But anyway, this is what I wrote that night (I've smoked too much and I'm starting to get the deeper thoughts - as I walked home from the grocery store across the street awhile ago, I came upon the realization that lack of sidewalks in suburbia is responsible for the weakening of the American society - I'll stay off that tangent, but it was deep, man). Oh yeah, the bolded stuff are things I'm changing or adding now, typos and names and such, I'm such a perfectionist.
10/1/05 2AM Saturday
I can't find the book that I was using as my journal, so I'll just use this for the moment. I plan to rewrite most of this in my diaryland journal tomorrow, anyway (see, I always have good intentions -- paving my way to hell). I'm just too tired to type right now, plus I feel like lying in bed to get these thoughts down anyway. I had a date tonight, it was less awkward than I had anticipated (I felt like the phone conversations were really uncomfortable - but it was easier to talk to him in person). But although he was probably one of the nicest guys in the world, there was absolutely no physical attraction on my end, although I could tell that there was on his. So I'm feeling some turmoil in how to tell him this, but that's not the reason I'm writing. I'm writing because every time I feel let down by my dating expectations, my mind goes back to Kent, how much I want him, how perfect I feel we'd be for each other. And then I remind myself of how much of an asshole he is, how he used me with no regard for my feelings. My therapist wants me to send him an email, to tell him how much it hurt me. He feels that if I do this, I'll get some closure on the situation. While I agree with that, I worry about the awkwardness it will bring, when we run into each other. I have so many issues around revealing my vulnerability to people. It's the way I was raised, it was a safetynet in an abusive household. And I learned that it was a way to avoid bullies growing up, I didn't get teased for being the fat girl as much as most did/would have, because I put this barrier around me. I bury my pain. But I guess emailing Kent will not only give me closure, it will be a step toward emotional strength. It's ironic that revealing emotional weakness could lead to emotional strength, but maybe that's the case here. I have so many thoughts running through my head of things I'd like to say, ranging from go to hell to I love you (or I lust you, whatever). But I won't say any of that. So here's the first draft of what I'll say. I'm sure I'll run it by several people before finally sending it.
See first letter in this entry.
Okay definitely too honest and too long, but it was cathartic to write that out. It's not what I'll send, but basically what I need to get out. Asshole.
So I'll work on the Kent email, trim and work on toning down my feelings. Does anyone feel that it would be an absolutely bad thing for me to send him any sort of an email like this?
I'll do my best not to sound like a stalker. I know my tendency with that, it's just so hard. I'm not stalking him, it's just that he lives right below me, I can't help noticing when his lights are on and thanks to crappy plumbing, my toilet runs every time he or the person above me flushes their toilet. I can't not be aware of his actions, even if I tried!
I really think I need to do it. And once I quit cigarettes (any day now, seriously), I won't be on the balcony unless I'm on the phone, so chances of running into him will be even more rare.
This is a pretty damn long entry already, so I'll give more info about the date with Matt later. But for now, let me just say that I have already turned him down, although gently and with a sincere offer of friendship. The date was on Saturday, I sent that on Sunday night (I wish I had saved it, I really meant to but forgot to click the option, I hate that about hotmail). This was his reply. I'm going to replace all Es with 3s, so that this can't be found in a search. Just because I'm paranoid doesn't mean they're not searching for me.
I had tak3n a f3w days to writ3 back b3caus3 I was v3ry sadd3n3d wh3n you said that you wish3d w3 w3r3 mor3 of a match.
You w3r3 th3 most natural and sw33t girl I had m33t in th3 whol3 tim3 I hav3 b33n on Match. I had a nic3 tim3 with you. I’m not sur3 why I can’t mak3 mor3 of a conn3ction with som3on3. You ar3 not th3 first lady to say that I was on3 of th3 nic3st guys th3y had gon3 out with. I wish I kn3w what, if anything I am doing wrong.
I appr3ciat3d your not3. Most p3opl3 would not hav3 writt3n back. I am ok if you still want to chat with 3ach oth3r.
The email is what I'm debating sending now. Basically what I'm trying to say is that is the only reason that I would be interested in him (not quite so bluntly), but I see an opportunity here for mutual benefit. If he's interested and we do a lot of talking about it, although not on the phone (it's too awkward with him, plus I hate the phone anyway), maybe on AIM and in person. And we could both see the mutual benefit and proceed like adults. He lives over an hour away, stalking would be difficult on his end, and I think I have the spidey senses to know quickly and end or change things immediately. And like my therapist said, there's also the chance that I could fall in love with Matt, even though I see no chance right now.
Watching/Hearing/Listening to: Judge Alex
Drinking: diet cherry coke
Wearing: Gray men's tee (L), faded jeans (14) , white socks, brown loafers