She will be loved
Friday, Sept. 16, 2005
Goals
I hate knowing that Kent has met someone. It magnifies my loneliness times 10, even if he is an asshat.I'm still not having any luck with the personals. The XTC guy stopped writing, I think I suggested meeting too soon and it scared him off. And then there's this other guy that I've been talking with, who seemed very nice and kind, but I haven't heard back from him in a few days. I mentioned my weight in my last email to him, saying that I had lost 40 pounds in the past year and still had 20 pounds to go until my goal*, and that it was something that I was working very hard on. I'm scared that he's not interested anymore because I said that. I mean, I mention in the personal that I'm looking for someone who wouldn't mind if I was chubby, but who wouldn't deter my efforts at getting healthier. So if that is an immediate turnoff to someone, why would they express interest in the first place? I hope I'm just being paranoid, but I can't shut that voice inside up.
* Goal weight is questionable. Until I joined WW, I never thought in terms of an ideal weight, I just wanted to be healthy. But WW wants you to set a goal weight and gives you a range that you should aim for, based on height. I'm 5'6" (or is it 5"6', I always get those mixed up - I'm 5 feet 6 inches) and WW says that my goal should be 148 at the highest and 124 at lowest. My weight is currently around 185 (my scale ranges from 181.5 and 186), because I've been slacking in both exercise and watching what I put in mouth, so I've gotten a bit off track. So basically, in WW terms I have around 35 pounds until goal (and even then I'm thinking in terms of the high end of the WW range).
I saw my doctor several weeks ago and he praised my loss and asked how much more I wanted to lose. When I said around 30 lbs, he said no way. He doesn't want me to lose that much more weight, he said it would be very unhealthy for me to be that small and that it wouldn't look good on my frame (BTW, I love this doctor!). He said at most I should aim to lose about 20 more pounds, that anything under 160 would be too much.
So I don't know. I wear size 14 on good days and size 16 usually, so where would 20 more pounds put me? My BMI would still be in the "overweight" category, I wouldn't hit "normal" until I weighed 154. Now I think BMI is basically B.S., but it is another thing to consider. Clothing size is more important to me and I would like to see a size 10, or even 8, before consider myself at goal. Another 20 pounds would probably only put me in a 12. The "typical" woman would probably consider themself a beast if they wore a 12, so it's hard to accept that as my goal, when I think it goes so much against societal norms of what is acceptable.
I guess I'll just have to see how I feel when I get there. I have faith that I will get there, although right now I just want to see 175. I'm not totally obsessed with weight, health is more important, but right now because I've been slacking so much, I'm not feeling as good about my health as I was before. But I know it's just a matter of getting back on track and into the habits again, and my opinion about myself will change.
I just wish I didn't feel so lonely
Watching/Hearing/Listening to: L&O SVU just came on
Drinking: just finished a can diet pepsi lime
Wearing: dark plaid boxers, gray tank with built-in bra, white socks, blue suede shoes